TLDR: I’m only in my second year of gardening, so it’s okay to make mistakes (it would be okay even if I had been gardening for twenty years). Nothing is perfect, but it brings me joy and that’s worth sharing. It’s also being loving to myself to and to those I love to let my life be seen. So here’s a picture of some of my imperfect seedlings that I transplanted in to my garden yesterday that are all so happy now.
I have recently come to understand that I’m a perfectionist. I don’t know if that surprises you because I have no idea how I appear to others, but it surprises me because I almost always feel like a hot mess who doesn’t have her ish together at ALL. I didn’t identify with any of the stereotypical, Hollywood-esque versions of what perfectionists look like, though (y’know, slicked back ponytail, sits up straight, eats perfectly, never misses a workout, carries a calendar at all times, never a wrinkle in her clothes, killing it in personal relationships, etc). But! I am 100% someone who is terrified or screwing up. So terrified in fact, that I sometimes hesitate to try new things because I can’t stand not being excellent at something. Struggling or making mistakes in personal relationships? Just leave the person alone for a while (lol, that’s just called isolating myself) because I must not be good enough if we have a problem and it’s better than being a burden to them (hello, pride 🤦🏻♀️). Trying something new? Don’t tell anyone about it until you’re good at it, and then definitely don’t talk about it too much if you DO get good at it because what if I’m actually terrible at it and I just don’t know yet? Etc etc etc. I punish, shame, and quiet myself so often that I feel internally paralyzed. And then I just don’t do the thing I wanted and to. Anyway, to tie up my zig zagging rant, I’ve been sitting in prayer and reflection here by my garden for over an hour now, feeling so grateful and so alive after a loooong season of feeling numb and lifeless. And I wanted to share that with someone and to share it kinda loudly. So I’m sharing on social media because who cares if the leaves on my seedlings are wrinkly? I planted them in the garden and they look great now. And it gives me joy. And joy shared is joy multiplied, right? Thanks for listening, dear friends. 🌱
